Lights, Camera, Action! A Parody
by ShadowSpy
Summary: Another parody for laughs. My second fan fic: I want to see if I can write parodies. Rated for language and mild violence. Please Read and RevieW!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from Horowitz's writing…I'm no genius like him!**_

_**A/N: This is a parody! Don't attack me Alex Rider fans! I'm a major fan myself, but hey, sometimes I wish for some humor!**_

**Chapter 1: Ideas, Anyone?**

Alex Rider leaped off the building into the swirling flames below him. He closed his eyes and thought about Jack, Sabina, Tom, and everyone he had known in his life. At the last second, he somersaulted and landed inches away from the spinning flames.

_Tick Tick Tick. _A bomb! Alex leapt wildly away and tumbled aside. There was a small explosion in the spot he had been in only a split second ago. Sprinting madly, Alex ran with all his might. Behind him, the building exploded in a ball of smoldering flame. Looking behind him, Alex stared emptily in the night as his earring turned into a walkie-talkie, made by Smithers.

"Alex here."

"Alex, come to the Royal and General immediately!" Without another word, the earring turned back to normal. Alex walked off into the night, blending in the shadows.

"And…cut! That's a wrap, people!" The camera was shut off.

"Good work, Alex! Keep going and we could get a deal with Hollywood!" Smithers called.

"Yeah, yeah…just make sure I get my Coke," Alex replied and walked off into his trailer. He plopped down on his couch and started playing Soul Caliber Three on his Playstation2.

"That's right, Abyss!" he shouted at the television. "Die! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! Yeah, you should've known you were messing with the great ALEX RIDER! HAHAHAHAHA!" Alex grabbed a few potato chips and shoveled them in his mouth.

There was a knock on the trailer door. Alan Blunt walked in.

"Alex, you must stop eating so much junk food! What if the media catches whiff of this?" he said sternly.

"Yo, where's my Coke?" demanded Alex as he cut off Voldo's head in the game.

"Alex, you have to lay off the sweets…" Blunt began.

"I don't work without Coke!" he demanded as the game called, "YOU LOSE!"

"Now look what you made me do!" Alex accused. "I'm sick of this! This is the third time today that you made me lose! And you still haven't given me my Coke! By the way, pick up Barney Knows the ABCs for the Playstation2 when you're at the game store, k? I think I almost can recite it all the way to L!"

For the seventh time that day, Alan Blunt asked himself why he didn't become a pastry chef. "Alex, we need your look to be right for your next mission! If you keeping drinking Coke and eating chips, you won't look right! Now about your next mission…"

"Big whoopee! Just get my stunt double to do all that crazy stuff!" replied Alex.

Blunt looked ready to tear out his hair.

. "Alex, we don't know what you could do for your next mission! This could cost you your career!"

"Don't you mean YOUR career?" Alex snorted.

Blunt knocked his head against the wall ten times and left. He arrived back at the bank and stared at Mrs. Jones, Smithers, Crawley, and the cameraman.

"Ideas, anyone?" He asked helplessly.

**_My second fan fic! Please review! I know it's not that funny, but I'm trying!_**


	2. A Happy Reunion

**A/N: The plot should come in here, but don't kill me if it doesn't. **

Chapter 2: Happy Reunions 

While Alan Blunt was still pondering on his situation, the door slammed open. Loud complaints filled the room as Herod Sayle, Dr. Grief, Alexei Sarov, Damian Cray, Julia Rothman, Nile, Yassen Gregorovich, and Sabina Pleasure filed in.

"Why does he get to work?" they all shouted at once.

"You killed me off in the first book! I should get to come back!" demanded Sayle.

"I'm his _girlfriend! _Don't I get to come back?" Sabina screamed.

"You had a blimp fall on me! What kind of death was that? I say that I lived!" Rothman yelled.

"I fall off a stupid blimp! Can't I live? Who said I died! I just fell off!" Nile protested.

"I get shot? After I tell Alex something that changes his life? I have to live! Think of my fans screaming for me…" Yassen said with his accent.

"I get burned up by a damn engine! Can't I come back with incredible burns and wounds?" Cray complained.

"…And my fans waiting in line for my picture and autograph…" Yassen continued.

"A fcking SLEIGH kills me! And it wasn't even Christmas! What kind of sh!t is that?" swore Grief.

"You need an idea! Use me!" someone yelled.

"Use me!" three people demanded in unison.

"Use me!" the rest of them insisted.

"…And think of how I look when I flick my hair! My incredible coolness!" Yassen finished proudly.

It took twenty minutes for Alan Blunt, the director, to get everybody organized and quiet. First of all, he duct taped Yassen, Sabina, and Sayle's mouths and hands. Then he fired a toy gun in the air for control.

"I'd listen to all of your complaints…but I have to get home to watch the football game! Go Packers! I mean, we'll pick one, _only one_, of you to come back for Alex's next mission. Now leave, and you'll audition tomorrow." Alan Blunt smiled for the first time in one month. This was a good idea! Or maybe…not.

"What?" Nile bellowed angrily.

"That's not fair!" shouted Rothman and Cray.

"What about me?" asked Sarov. "I've been nice and quiet!"

"Mmhmmhmhm-mhmhmh-mhmh-mh!" protested Yassen, Sabina, and Sayle.

("Who gives a profanity? Take this profanity duct tape profanity off of our profanity mouths now, you profanity!")

They were escorted out of the building. (They didn't remove the duct tape.)

"What a happy reunion…" muttered Blunt.

The next day all of them were gathered together. After many hours of chaos, they finally settled down to listen to Blunt's plan.

"Okay, you annoying pieces of sh!t, I've come up with a solution. We will have a vote…"

Everybody cheered. Of course they would vote for themselves!

"…but the voters will be our viewers! Our ratings will go sky high! Everyone will watch for the special comback episode. And best of all…"

Alan Blunt never go to finish.

Loud protests filled the air once again.

"That's not fair! Nobody will vote for me! There're sure that that a$$hole has fcking killed me!" Sayle accused Gregorovich.

Yassen, not caring, said, "Well, they'll obviously vote for me! I mean, like, who wouldn't! My hair rocks! Oh yeah, and I changed Alex's life forever!"

"Your hair $uck$!" screamed Sayle.

This made Yassen mad. Very mad. "WHY YOU BA$TARD YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR DMN WORDS BACK OR ELSE I'LL…"

"OR ELSE WHAT, PRETTY BOY? YOU'LL FLICK YOUR HORRIBLE GREASY HAIR AT ME?" Sayle spat back.

Yassen took out his comb and began combing Sayle's face while Sayle repeatedly kicked Yassen's head.

"Hey, what about me?" Sarov whined. "You said that I committed suicide! They won't vote for m-e-e-e! Why can't I come back as my own evil twin, or something?"

"Who said that I died 'cause of a fcking sleigh? I didn't die!" Grief laughed manically.

"WE want to come back! WE are all apart of that dmn boy's past!" Rothman and Nile protested together. "Why can't we both live and get revenge?"

"What about us?" two new voices asked. Everyone turned (even Sayle and Gregorovich) to see Belinda Troy and Glen Carver standing annoyingly. "Just because we were high yesterday and couldn't see straight and therefore couldn't come, doesn't mean we don't have a chance!"

"**_QUI-I-I-I-I-IET!" _**Blunt yelled as loud as he could. "WE'RE DOING IT MY WAY, AND ONLY MY WAY! SO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTHS AND LIVE WITH IT!"

Blunt snapped his fingers and had security haul them all off, kicking and screaming. (Except Yassen and Sayle. They were still swearing at each other, but now they were doing it in Russian.)

_**What do you think? Please Review! By the way, I forgot to mention this, but I don't own Sony's PlayStation2 and Soul Caliber 3 either.**_


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